The Style Invitational Week 999 A drectrospective —
enter any of the year’s contests
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, November 29, 1:25 PM
We’d been calling this annual
contest “Look Back in Inker,” referring to our old “Thinker”-spoof trophy, but
“Look Back in Inkin’ Memorial” doesn’t have that same zing.
In any case, this is your big
chance to send in that fabulous entry that you thought of when you were reading
the results of another contest, or the one your computer ate a few months ago:
This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 946 through Week 995,
except for Week 948, this week’s counterpart from last year. You’re free to
reference events that have happened since those contests. Use as few or many
contests as you like, as long as your entry total doesn’t exceed 25. You may
refer to events that have occurred since the contest was published (except for
the Week 952 obit poems, which should still be about people who died in 2011);
for contests that ask you to use that week’s Post, use this week’s. Since
there’s so little space in the print paper, longer-form entries are likely to
run only online. And you don’t even have to clean out your birdcage: Links to
all the contests are at wapo.st/StyleInv (note that there’s a single link to a
page of other links for Weeks 946-951, and that they’re listed at or near the
top of the list).
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a can of genuine dehydrated water, donated by Loser Edward
Gordon. The label advises that the dried H2O is useful for a long list of
pursuits, including dry-mopping floors, adding VW Bug coolant, and humidifying
saunas. We guarantee that it will not spill.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec.
10; results published Dec. 30 (online Dec. 27). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 999” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the “Next week” line is by Chris
Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 995, our perennial Ask Backwards contest, in which we offered a dozen
phrases and asked what questions they could be answering:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
A. The La Brea Tar Pits.
Q. Other than the Cuban
politburo, where is the best place in the Western Hemisphere to find a bunch of
Pleistocene fossils? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
2. Winner of the baculum, or
penis bone, of a mink:
A. A mink baculum.
Q. What does Donald Trump
give his fired employees instead of a golden parachute? (Nan Reiner,
Alexandria, Va.)
3. A. The thing that goes
“woo”
During one of his senior
moments, what did Joe Biden call his beloved Metroliner? (Kevin Dopart,
Washington; Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
4. A. Wikipedia Jones.
Q. Who is the hero in
“Raiders of the Lost Archive”? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Question mocks: honorable mentions
A HUG FROM CHRIS CHRISTIE
What was the last thing the
Hurricane Sandy survivor remembered before losing consciousness? (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
On the list of “Things People
Most Fear,” what is immediately behind “A sloppy wet one from Joe Biden”?
(Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)
What is an inexpensive way to
get a breast reduction? (Frank Bruno, Columbia, Md., a First Offender)
What possible reward causes
the Jets to intentionally miss the playoffs every year? (Ken Schwartz, Burke,
Va.)
What was Obama training for
when he let himself be lifted up by that pizza shop guy? (Seth Brown, North
Adams, Mass.)
THE LA BREA TAR PITS
Where did Maria Shriver plan
to stop with Arnold prior to visiting the La Brea Feather Mounds? (Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)
What is the nickname of the
LAX smoking lounge? (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
What’s the worst-named high
school track team? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
Where does Larry King go for
his high school reunions? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
When we’ve sucked ANWR dry,
where will we drill, baby, drill? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
GOOGLE MIRTH
What does your mapping
software feel when its directions lead you over a cliff? (Jerry Birchmore,
Springfield, Va.)
What did Al Gore do to
celebrate inventing the Internet? (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va., a First
Offender)
What does $683 a share
generate? (David Garratt)
PORK BELLY WITH TWO SIDES
What do you call Chris
Christie and his sign language and Spanish interpreters? (Bill Smith, Reston,
Va.)
What do you get when you
break apart a bacon Mobius strip? (Kevin Dopart, Washington; Robert Schechter,
Dix Hills, N.Y.)
What is another name for
congressional bipartisanship? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Edward Gordon,
Austin; Ron Averyt, Severna Park)
What’s Paula Deen’s idea of a
hot threesome? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
A MINK BACULUM
What gift will make my wife
wish she hadn’t asked so imprecisely for “something mink”? (Josh Feldblyum,
Philadelphia)
What’s the best auto-correct
for “Michele Bachmann”? (Seth Brown)
What do Lorena Bobbitt’s
children yank apart instead of a lucky wishbone? (David Garratt)
What is inside the world’s
softest jockstrap? (Robert Schechter)
A LEGITIMATE BELCH
Other than women, what does
Todd Akin try mightily to suppress? (Nan Reiner)
What would standing on one’s
head and farting not count as? (Dudley Thompson)
WIKIPEDIA JONES
What does Ken Jennings get
when he’s offline for too long? (Mike Gips)
GANGNAM STYLE SECTION
What birthing method requires
that the mother jump around like she’s riding a horse until the baby pops out?
(Jerry Birchmore)
What’s the worst car for a
commute on the Seoul Train? (Kevin Dopart)
THE THING THAT GOES “WOO”
What did the Debutante of
Frankenstein call her suitor? (Kevin Dopart)
What is the result of
ingesting the Straight Viagra/Cialis Four-Hour Cocktail? (Howard Walderman)
SANSKRIT, ARAMAIC AND PIG
LATIN
What were the native tongues
of the three Magi: Gupta, Moshe and Berlusconi? (Michael Greene, Alexandria,
Va.)
As David Petraeus became
progressively more reckless in his e-mails to his biographer, how were his
messages conveyed? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)
Mel Gibson can spout insults
involving female private parts in which languages? (Kevin Dopart)
Who were the Three
Mouthketeers? (Bill McMahon, Ganges, B.C.)
THE MARINE CORPS MARATHON
During what event does the
average traffic speed in D.C. increase from 2 mph to 6 mph? (Mike Gips)
Which D.C.-centered race this
year did conservatives correctly predict that the Kenyan wouldn’t win? (David
Genser, Poway, Calif.)
What is the only Pentagon program
that does not have an overrun? (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
What do the hookers in
Quantico do every Saturday night? (Nan Reiner)
What is 500 feet shorter than
the line to vote in Prince William County? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
What endurance race should
never be referred to as the “Jaunty Jarhead Jiffy Jog?” (Dudley Thompson)
THE APPLE CORE MARATHON
What could you call the daily
commute to Midtown Manhattan? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
What institution was born
when Adam and Eve started running around looking for fig leaves? (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
What device is slower, less
sophisticated and yet inexplicably more popular than the Samsung Core Marathon?
(Mark Raffman)
In which sporting event are
the athletes allowed to be juiced? (Robert Schechter)
Next week’s results: A Life-Time
Opportunity, or Zines From a Marriage, our contest to combine two magazines and
describe the result.